Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
