God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
