you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
