Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
