i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
