How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
high people should be assigned attendants
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
