He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
