Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm sobbing to NWA
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
