she peed on how many people?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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