it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
