Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
