Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
