Will you blow on my dice?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
