Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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