Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
