i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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