i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
