We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
