so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
