she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
