I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
