I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
