so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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