Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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