I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
