I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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