hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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