I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
