Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
