If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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