I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
