how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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