I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Everclear isn't food dammit
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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