Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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