So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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