Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
