I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
