you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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