i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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