i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
