I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I pour the whiskey from now on
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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