I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
