Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
