Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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