I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
ttyl tear gas
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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