hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
