when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
