Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
