so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
