He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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